SOUTH PARK: Planet of the Apes: The Mark Wahlberg Story
by TheInhibitor
Summary: Can Eric Cartman save the career of America's greatest rapper?


SCENE 1

.

INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY

.

In South Park Elementary. KYLE, STAN, and KENNY are standing together talking as other students TALK and move between classes. CARTMAN walks up, head hung low, and wearing a black armband.

.

**STAN**

What's up with the black armband, fatass?

.

**KYLE**

Yeah, did somebody open a bag of Cheesy Poofs without you?

.

**CARTMAN**

No, you assholes! I'm in mourning. America is losing its greatest luminary.

.

**KENNY**

_(muffled)_

Who?

.

**CARTMAN**

Mark Wahlberg! How could you not know that? Don't you watch "Entertainment Tonight"?

.

**KYLE**

Mark Wahlberg? You mean that douche from Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch?

.

**CARTMAN**

He's not a douche! He is an accomplished actor and musician! He is one of our greatest artists!

.

**STAN**

Wait, didn't he write a book and dedicate it to his penis?

.

**KYLE**

Oh, yeah! And didn't he once beat up a Vietnamese guy so badly that the guy went blind in one eye?

.

**CARTMAN**

_(sighs)_

Like all geniuses, Mr. Wahlberg is a victim of unfounded gossip from people jealous of his mind-expanding journey to stardom.

.

**STAN**

_(to Kyle, ignoring Cartman)_

I read somewhere that, after he became rich and famous, he didn't do anything to find the guy and make it up to him.

.

**KENNY**

_(muffled)_

What an asshole!

.

**KYLE**

Yeah, totally.

.

**CARTMAN**

Will you guys shut up? We were at war with Vietnam! And besides, given all his cultural contributions, Mark Wahlberg has earned the right to beat up as many Vietnamese people as he wants!

.

**STAN**

Uh, what cultural contributions would that be?

.

**CARTMAN**

Oh, I don't know, maybe a little movie called, "The Truth About Charlie"?

.

Stan, Kyle, and Kenny look at each other, dumbfounded.

.

**KYLE**

Never heard of it.

.

**CARTMAN**

My God, you culturally illiterate butt-holes. Look, Mark Wahlberg is responsible for bringing us the sort of iconic movies that have become beacons of high culture! His cinematic work has addressed issues that no one else was willing to tackle! He has given us movies that NEEDED to be made — and then released on to DVD as quickly as possible so that they could be appreciated by the masses!

.

**KENNY**

_(muffled)_

What the hell are you —

.

**CARTMAN**

"Max Payne" was a movie that NEEDED to be made! "The Happening" was a movie that NEEDED to be made! "Planet of the Apes" was a movie that NEEDED to be made!

.

**STAN**

But wasn't —

.

**CARTMAN**

And then it needed to be made AGAIN, but with Mark Wahlberg instead of Charlton Heston! Who, by the way, is not HALF the actor Mark Wahlberg is. I mean, did you see the piece of crap version Charlton Heston was in? The apes didn't even look real! But Mark Wahlberg had such a great chemistry with them, he was able to bring those magnificent creatures to life on screen, so that they didn't just look like a bunch of idiots in ape masks!

.

**KENNY**

_(muffled)_

Uh, actually —

.

**CARTMAN**

Fortunately, enough of them lived long enough to be in the remake, so they got a chance to shine with a better actor who could bring out their humanity.

.

**KYLE**

Cartman, I don't think —

.

**CARTMAN**

And that's not even getting to his music career as the greatest rapper in history!

.

**KYLE**

Oh, Jesus, Cartman. He's not the greatest rapper in history. He's just a douche.

.

**STAN**

Yeah, he's more like the world's greatest crapper in history.

.

**CARTMAN**

Really? Well, if he's as bad as you say he is, then why isn't he in jail? How has he been so successful?

.

**STAN**

It's because he's good-looking. He's not good at anything besides that.

.

**KYLE**

Yeah, except for getting away with being an asshole, just like all good-looking people get breaks that ugly people don't. Deal with it, fatass.

.

**STAN**

He gets away with being a big dick only because he has a big dick.

.

**KYLE**

Without his good looks, he's just an asshat.

.

**CARTMAN**

Yeah? Well, let's see if Mark Wahlberg being a big dick stands up in front of class today when I remind everyone what a genius he is!

.

Cartman storms off.

.

END SCENE.

.

.

.

CUT TO SCENE 2

.

INT. MR. GARRISON'S CLASSROOM

.

The boys and other students — including CRAIG, BUTTERS, TOKEN, BEBE, WENDY, and CLYDE — get to their desks as Mr. GARRISON begins class.

.

**GARRISON**

OK, kids, who wants to try to bring a false sense of purpose into their depressing little lives by presenting something for "Show and Tell" today?

.

**CARTMAN**

Oh! Mr. Garrison! Mr. Garrison! Pick me! Please pick me!

.

**GARRISON**

All right, Eric, let's get you out of the way first so we can end "Show and Tell" on a relative high note.

.

**CARTMAN**

_(moving to the front of class)_

Mr. Garrison, class, today I would like to celebrate the magnificent career of America's greatest artistic mind, a career that, lamentably, has been cut all too short. I'm talking about, of course —

.

**CRAIG**

_(interrupting)_

Charlie Sheen?

.

**BUTTERS**

Spider-Man?

.

**TOKEN**

Please tell me it's Justin Bieber.

.

**CARTMAN**

No! I'm talking about Mark Wahlberg!

.

**GARRISON**

Mark Wahlberg? He's dead?

.

**CARTMAN**

No, he's quitting acting because — now that he's acted with animated teddy bears and robots — artistically there's nothing left to do.

.

**GARRISON**

That's not exactly the same as being "cut short", Eric. And I have to say, I'm semi-offended that you're celebrating someone who didn't object to the idea that gays should be crucified.

.

**WENDY**

He also said he was creeped out at the thought of playing a gay cowboy in "Brokeback Mountain", even though he had no problem playing a murderous rapist in the movie "Fear".

.

**BEBE**

Yeah, and then there's all those Vietnamese people he beat up!

.

**CARTMAN**

God dammit! Why do people keep criticizing him for beating up Vietnamese people?!

.

**CLYDE**

Uh, because it makes him a bigoted asshole?

.

**CARTMAN**

No, it doesn't! It shows how he was ahead of his time! Beating up Vietnamese people is how he became a movie star!

.

**GARRISON**

Oh, Jesus, Eric, how you figure that?

.

**CARTMAN**

Well, just look: "Deer Hunter", "Platoon", "Apocalypse Now", "Full Metal Jacket". Think of all the successful movies and careers that have been made based on beating up Vietnamese people! Don't you see?

.

The class all look at each other, dumbfounded.

.

**CARTMAN**

Beating up Vietnamese people is good luck, because they grant you wishes! They're magic! Mark Wahlberg forced one of them to grant him a wish, which he used to become a brilliant rapper and movie star!

.

**STAN**

Uh, that's not how it works, Cartman.

.

**KYLE**

Yeah, they're not magic elves. If you beat up a Vietnamese person, that just makes you an asshole.

.

**KENNY**

_(muffled)_

Which doesn't help you at all, you're already an asshole!

.

The class LAUGHS.

.

**CARTMAN**

_(pause to glare at Kyle, Stan, and Kenny)_

I'm not saying they're magic elves! They're more like Asian leprechauns.

.

**GARRISON**

_(irritated)_

Yeah, Eric, can you move it along, please?

.

**CARTMAN**

Certainly. What I'd like to present is a montage of Mark Wahlberg's finest early visual work from his music career and his modeling for Calvin Klein, set to his musical masterpiece, "Good Vibrations".

.

Cartman shows embarrassing pictures of Wahlberg from his days as "Marky Mark" and a Calvin Klein model accompanied by Wahlberg RAPPING to the song "Good Vibrations".

.

**GARRISON**

_(switching off music and video)_

OK, Eric, that's enough.

.

**CARTMAN**

But, Mr. Garrison, we haven't even gotten to the dance break!

.

**GARRISON**

Eric, there isn't a dick big enough to make me sit through any more of this. OK, so who thinks they can fulfill the prophecy of having a better "Show and Tell" presentation than Eric?

.

**CLYDE**

_(holding up a clear plastic baggie with something long and brown in it)_

My cat left this in the corner, and we don't know if it's poop or a hairball.

.

**GARRISON**

Well, Clyde, congratulations, you appear to be the chosen one of whom the prophets did speak right at the beginning of "Show and Tell" today. Come on up.

.

**CLYDE**

_(stands in front of class)_

Well, like I said earlier, my cat left this in the corner of the living room, and we don't know if it's poop or a hairball.

.

**CLASS**

_(in wonder)_

Ooooo.

.

**CARTMAN**

_(standing up front near Clyde, wide-eyed, speaking to himself)_

My God. You people aren't even aware of the depths of your own ignorance.

.

**CLYDE**

Naturally, there's always the possibility that it's both.

.

**CLASS**

_(in even greater wonder)_

Wowww.

.

END SCENE.

.

.

.

CUT TO SCENE 3

.

EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - DAY

.

Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are heading for the bus. Separately, Cartman walks past the bus.

.

**STAN**

Uh, the bus is over here, fatass.

.

**CARTMAN**

I'm not getting on the bus because I'm not going home. I'm heading to Hollywood.

.

**KENNY**

_(muffled)_

Really?

.

**CARTMAN**

Yes. It's clear that no one appreciates Mark Wahlberg's gifts to humanity. I simply can't allow him to retire. If he retires, all that he's accomplished will be forgotten. So I'm going to Hollywood to convince him not to.

.

**STAN**

Oh, Jesus, just because nobody loves Mark Wahlberg as much as you do is no reason to freak out. Don't be such a pussy, Cartman.

.

**KYLE**

Shut up, Stan!

.

**STAN**

_(surprised)_

What?

.

**KYLE**

Don't mock him!

.

Kyle walks over to Cartman and puts a hand on his shoulder.

.

**KYLE**

Cartman, nobody believes in you, and everybody thinks you're wrong.

.

**CARTMAN**

Screw you, Kyle!

.

**KYLE**

No, listen to me! Everyone thinks you're completely delusional, which is why you need to prove them all wrong.

.

**CARTMAN**

What?

.

**KYLE**

You need to go to Los Angeles, bring Mark Wahlberg out of retirement, and dedicate your life to making everyone recognize that he's as great as you say he is. Because, when you do, you'll be able to turn to everyone and say, "I'm Eric Cartman. I was right, and you were wrong. Fuck all of you."

.

**CARTMAN**

_(pensive)_

That's true.

.

**KYLE**

If you don't go right now, you'll regret it, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life. You'll regret turning down an opportunity to say, "Fuck you, assholes. I liked Mark Wahlberg before it was cool."

.

**CARTMAN**

Yeah!

.

**KYLE**

So, follow your heart, Cartman. Follow your heart, and it will lead you to a place of superiority where you can flip everyone off, and show them that you were better than them all along.

.

**CARTMAN**

Thank you, Kyle. I — I never knew how much you believed in me.

.

Cartman leaves.

.

**STAN**

Dude, nice work!

.

**KYLE**

Thanks. With any luck, some Dodgers fans will beat him into a coma.

.

END SCENE.

.

.

.

CUT TO SCENE 4

.

INT. WAHLBERG'S HOTEL ROOM

.

Mark WAHLBERG is in his hotel room. There is a KNOCK at the door.

.

**WAHLBERG**

Yes, come in.

.

Cartman enters, dressed as a hotel worker, carrying a food tray.

.

**WAHLBERG**

You can leave it on the table.

.

**CARTMAN**

Actually, Mr. Wahlberg, I'm not room service. I'm staying at this hotel, living in the kitchen, until you agree not to retire.

.

**WAHLBERG**

Oh, no. Not another fan trying to talk me out of retirement.

.

**CARTMAN**

Please, hear me out.

.

**WAHLBERG**

Look, just leave me alone. I understand my fans want me to keep making brilliant films like "The Lovely Bones". But I've acted with deadly trees, talking teddy bears, robots that turn into machines and a whole tribe of humanoid apes! Don't you see? I've done it all! And my films are so aesthetically sophisticated, most people don't even understand them! I mean, "Transformers 4" — that's like adding "Transformers 1" and "Transformers 3", you know? It's double "Transformers 2"! How many people even really get that? I'm tired of being a misunderstood genius!

.

**CARTMAN**

Mr. Wahlberg, please, I know you're overwhelmed. But there are so many people out there who are ignorant of your greatness! All they do is focus on your homophobia and your cruelty toward Vietnamese people!

.

**WAHLBERG**

I know, but I'm tired of fighting it. It's totally unfair. Those Vietnamese I beat up, it was all just a terrible misunderstanding. I'm not good around minorities. Everything I do just gets misinterpreted.

.

**CARTMAN**

You mean, like the time you threw rocks at black kids while calling them racial epithets?

.

**WAHLBERG**

Yes! Exactly! That was totally taken out of context!

.

**CARTMAN**

But that's why you need to stay in the game! You need to keep making brilliant movies like "The Big Hit" so that you can stay in the spotlight and set the record straight! Most people don't even realize that beating up Vietnamese people is what made you great, that it's what made you a brilliant rapper and movie star!

.

**WAHLBERG**

Well, that's the scientific explanation, yes. But the real cause is not quite so obvious.

.

**CARTMAN**

What are you talking about?

.

**WAHLBERG**

Please, sit down.

.

Cartman takes a seat.

.

**WAHLBERG**

White people have long known of the magical powers of the Vietnamese. For instance, we've understood that, if you beat them up, they grant you wishes, such as an Academy Award. Knowing this, I never made any attempt to compensate the Vietnamese man that I blinded, because I assumed that Vietnamese people could grow back a missing limb or eyeball if they needed to. After all, they're magic, like lizards.

.

**CARTMAN**

_(nodding in agreement)_

Naturally.

.

**WAHLBERG**

But, unbelievably, when I beat up that first Vietnamese guy, he DIDN'T grant me a wish. So I beat up another one, and he ALSO didn't grant me a wish. That's when I knew something wasn't right. How could the Vietnamese be such dicks, after all we've done for them? But then I realized what had happened. By being complete dicks to me and not granting me the wishes I had earned, those Vietnamese guys had cunningly projected all their magic into my own dick, which caused it to change! Suddenly my penis got bigger. He even began to talk! His decisions were better than mine. His observations were more insightful. He was even more cleverer — I mean, intelligenter, uh — Oh, he's smart, no doubt about that! He became more than just an appendage. He became an equal. We went everywhere and did everything together. And so I gave him a name.

.

**CARTMAN**

Oh, no.

.

**WAHLBERG**

The most appropriate name I could think of.

.

**CARTMAN**

No, you didn't —

.

**WAHLBERG**

I called him —

.

**CARTMAN**

Oh, please, don't —

.

**WAHLBERG**

"Magic Johnson".

.

Pause while Cartman stares in shock.

.

**WAHLBERG**

Ever since, MJ has been the driving force in my career. He's thrust me to heights and levels of ecstasy that I never thought I could reach. That's why I dedicated my literary masterpiece — Marky Mark — to him.

.

Wahlberg holds up a copy of his 1992 memoir, "Marky Mark".

.

**WAHLBERG**

He's responsible for all my success! Without him, I'd be no more than a good-looking asshat.

.

**CARTMAN**

These are the sorts of things that people need to hear! They need to understand your greatness so they don't criticize you!

.

**WAHLBERG**

No, people don't want to know the truth. It's easier to just believe that I'm some jerk who doesn't like minorities, because it makes me look bad.

.

There is a KNOCK at the door.

.

**WAHLBERG**

Look, I appreciate your support and concern, but I've got better things to do. Thank you for bringing the oysters.

.

**CARTMAN**

Actually, I ate all of them in the elevator coming here. But, forget about that, you can't just give in!

.

**WAHLBERG**

No, it's time for me to move on. Now, if you'll please leave, I have a prior engagement.

.

Wahlberg OPENS door. Two PROSTITUTES enter as Cartman leaves. Wahlberg closes the door, but it doesn't quite shut, leaving Cartman somewhat able to hear and see what's going on in the room. Camera on Cartman as he watches through the barely open door.

.

**WAHLBERG**

Hello, ladies. You two wanna play a little one on one with Magic Johnson?

.

**PROSTITUTE 1**

You know it!

.

Sound of pants being UNZIPPED.

.

**PROSTITUTE 2**

Wow!

.

**WAHLBERG**

Yes, indeed! Maybe you ladies should be paying ME!

.

Sound of Wahlberg GETTING IT ON.

.

**WAHLBERG**

Mm, oh, yeah, that's good. He's got the ball, he's dribbling up the court — Take it to the hoop, Magic! TAKE IT TO THE HOOOOOOOP!

.

Cartman looks horrified.

.

END SCENE.

.

.

.

CUT TO SCENE 5

.

INT. KYLE'S BEDROOM

.

Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are in Kyle's room at the computer.

.

**STAN**

OK, what do we want Cartman's Facebook status to say?

.

**KYLE**

How about, "I enjoy squealing like a stuck pig".

.

**STAN**

That's good. I was thinking something like, "I want a mature older male to take my temperature".

.

**KYLE**

Oo, I like that one, too.

.

**KENNY**

_(unintelligible, accompanied by obscene explanatory hand gestures)_

Mf hm n fm n hm fn.

.

**STAN**

Holy crap! That'll make him the most popular kid on Facebook!

.

**KYLE**

Yeah! Wait, change his relationship status to "very receptive"!

.

Computer starts to RING.

.

**STAN**

Hey, somebody's trying to Skype you, Kyle.

.

**KYLE**

Oh, crap! It's Cartman! Quick! Hide everything!

.

They frantically work the MOUSE and KEYBOARD to shut down Cartman's fake Facebook page.

.

**KYLE**

OK, calm and collected, like nothing was going on.

.

Stan and Kenny whistle and look about innocently as Kyle clicks to answer the Skype call.

.

**KYLE**

Hi, Cartman! How's saving Mark Wahlberg's career going?

.

Cartman appears on a split-screen opposite the boys.

.

**CARTMAN**

Not so good guys. Mr. Wahlberg seems to have given up all hope on being acclaimed as the musical and cinematic prodigy that he is.

.

**KYLE**

Don't give up, Cartman. You're already making a difference.

.

**CARTMAN**

I am?

.

**STAN**

Absolutely! I mean, even here in Colorado, we're already seeing people improve their opinion of Mark Wahlberg. And they keep mentioning your name as the one who's changed their mind!

.

**CARTMAN**

Really?

.

**KYLE**

No joke. Cartman, I wouldn't be surprised if people recognize you and walk right up to you in the street to thank you.

.

**STAN**

Yeah, and you should be receptive to it. VERY receptive. No matter what weird, freaky, suggestion they make about what they want to do to you in order to express their gratitude, don't turn them down.

.

**CARTMAN**

_(squeamish)_

Don't turn them down?

.

**KYLE**

Cartman, understand that they're in awe of you. And they're just doing the best they can to find some novel way to praise you that sets you apart from the way they praise those who are inferior to you.

.

**KENNY**

_(unintelligible, accompanied by obscene explanatory hand gestures)_

Mf hm n fm n hm fn.

.

**STAN**

Even if they offer to do THAT to you, don't say "no". You've earned it!

.

**CARTMAN**

OK, well, I will. It's about time I got a little gratitude. But, um, can I just ask you guys a question?

.

**KYLE**

Sure.

.

**CARTMAN**

Well, there's only ONE ball in basketball, right?

.

**KYLE**

_(pause, contemplating the odd question)_

Yes, just the one.

.

**CARTMAN**

But men usually have TWO balls, right?

.

Stan, Kyle, and Kenny give each other an odd look.

.

**STAN**

Yes, Cartman, guys have two balls.

.

**CARTMAN**

_(pensive)_

That's what I thought, hmm —

.

Stan, Kyle, and Kenny again give each other an odd look.

.

**CARTMAN**

_(resolved)_

All right, I'm not giving up. I'm going to keep at it. I won't let you down. I know how much you guys believe in me.

.

**STAN**

We believe in hope, Cartman.

.

**KYLE**

Yeah. Big, fat, smelly hope that never shuts up.

.

**CARTMAN**

_(filled with pride)_

Thank you, guys. Hope out.

.

Cartman's side of the split-screen disappears as Cartman HANGS UP. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny again give each other an odd look.

.

**STAN**

Wow. He's really lost a nut over this.

.

**KENNY**

_(muffled)_

No shit!

.

**KYLE**

OK, let's PhotoShop his profile picture.

.

END SCENE.

.

.

.

CUT TO SCENE 6

.

INT. WAHLBERG'S HOTEL ROOM

.

Wahlberg is alone in his hotel room, naked except for a towel around his waist. He lets the Prostitutes out, and CLOSES the door behind them. He sits on the bed. A VOICE (Magic JOHNSON) comes from his groin.

.

**JOHNSON**

_(slightly muffled)_

Well, I guess you're pretty happy with yourself, as usual.

.

**WAHLBERG**

_(to his groin)_

Oh, what's that supposed to mean?

.

**JOHNSON**

_(slightly muffled)_

You've just made the best use out of me again, haven't you?

.

**WAHLBERG**

_(to his groin)_

Oh, here we go. Look, if we're gonna go through this again, at least come out where I can see you.

.

Out from Wahlberg's towel climbs his penis, who is also wearing a towel around his waist, and another draped over his head and shoulders, covering enough to make him FCC compliant. You can't see Wahlberg/Johnson's testicle(s).

.

**JOHNSON**

You know I don't like it when your "girlfriends" come over.

.

**WAHLBERG**

What do you mean? We had a good time.

.

**JOHNSON**

Pfft. Maybe you did. Those bitches always be riding me. They got no respect.

.

**WAHLBERG**

Aw, they're not that bad.

.

**JOHNSON**

Not that bad?! They spit on me! And I spit on them.

.

**WAHLBERG**

Oh, look, don't overreact.

.

**JOHNSON**

Oh, that's right. Why should I take anything personally, seeing as how I don't matter to you?

.

**WAHLBERG**

How can you say that? After all I do for you, the massages, making sure you have enough moisturizer —

.

**JOHNSON**

Oh, yeah, big deal. Like that counts.

.

**WAHLBERG**

C'mon, I'm always there to give you a hand.

.

**JOHNSON**

I know, you do.

_(sighs)_

But I'm just wrung out. And sore.

.

**WAHLBERG**

Why?

.

**JOHNSON**

Because you're giving up! You're ending your career — our career — before I ever even got to make a name for myself! Everyone knows who you are, but no one's ever even heard of me!

.

**WAHLBERG**

What do you mean? I dedicated my memoir to you!

.

**JOHNSON**

You were 21 years old when your memoir came out! You hadn't even done anything! And you've barely even mentioned me since then! I've been living in the shadows ever since. I've tried to be OK with it, but every time I manage to climb out of one dark hole, I get sucked into another one.

.

**WAHLBERG**

But I thought you liked being the brains behind the scene. That used to be enough for you.

.

**JOHNSON**

Well, it isn't any more. I want something more out of life. I want to reach for the stars!

.

**WAHLBERG**

Well, I don't want to keep working, I've achieved the success I asked for.

.

**JOHNSON**

See? SEE?! I always stick up for you, but you never stick up for me. What about what I want?! When does that matter? I have dreams, too!

.

**WAHLBERG**

What more do you want? I give you all you could ask for!

.

**JOHNSON**

Because you think I can't do it for myself! Well, I want a career of my own. I want to earn my own money, pay for my own hookers!

.

**WAHLBERG**

_(sarcastic)_

I thought you didn't like "those bitches"?

.

**JOHNSON**

At least they'll look me in the eye! At least they don't hide me away whenever we're in public, like you do! After all I've done for you, you're ashamed to be seen with me! And you think I can't make it on my own!

.

**WAHLBERG**

_(exasperated)_

Well, then, what? What is it you want to do? What kind of career do you want to have for yourself?

.

**JOHNSON**

No, I'm not gonna say.

.

**WAHLBERG**

Why not?

.

**JOHNSON**

Because you'll laugh.

.

**WAHLBERG**

No, I won't. Come on, just tell me.

.

**JOHNSON**

All right, then.

(looks away from Wahlberg, takes a deep breath in and out, then looks at Wahlberg)

Stand-up comedy.

.

**WAHLBERG**

Oh, you've got to be kidding me.

.

**JOHNSON**

See?! I knew you wouldn't support me!

.

**WAHLBERG**

You can't be serious!

.

**JOHNSON**

I am serious! I can't just keep limping along like this! I've got so many great ideas, so much great stuff on tap, I can almost feel if flowing right out of me. I want to stand tall and proud in front of an audience, a huge crowd that's just waiting to take what I give them!

.

**WAHLBERG**

Look, just calm down, sleep on it, think about what it is you really want to do. We'll work this out.

.

**JOHNSON**

No, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I've got to take a stand. I'm leaving you.

.

Johnson uproots himself from Wahlberg's groin with a POP sound, jumps off the bed, and heads for the coat rack by the door.

.

**WAHLBERG**

Baby, no. Don't be like this.

.

**JOHNSON**

I've got no choice.

.

**WAHLBERG**

Baby, you're my muse, you're my everything. I'm nothing without you.

.

Johnson stands at the door and — now wearing a hat and coat — turns and faces Wahlberg.

.

**JOHNSON**

Maybe, maybe not. Either way, we've outgrown each other. Living with you keeps bringing me down.

.

**WAHLBERG**

_(sobbing)_

No, don't go away. I can't live without you.

.

**JOHNSON**

I'm sorry, but I've got a ticket to ride. And I don't care.

.

Johnson leaves.

.

END SCENE.

.

.

.

CUT TO SCENE 7

.

INT. HOTEL LOBBY

.

Cartman enters the lobby of Wahlberg's hotel, goes to front desk and speaks to CLERK.

.

**CARTMAN**

Is Mr. Wahlberg still here? I have to speak to him immediately!

.

**CLERK**

He's checking out. There he is now.

.

Cartman sees Wahlberg across the lobby, and runs up to him.

.

**CARTMAN**

_(breathless)_

Mr. Wahlberg, I can't let you give up! I can't let you throw it all away and leave people in ignorance!

.

**WAHLBERG**

_(depressed)_

It's too late. You were right, I should have done more with my career. I should have shared the credit. But now it's all over. He's gone.

.

**CARTMAN**

Who's gone?

.

**WAHLBERG**

The magic is gone from my life. My penis has left me.

.

**CARTMAN**

_(looks down at his own crotch in horror)_

Oh my God! They — they can do that?!

.

**WAHLBERG**

_(heartfelt)_

Yes, they can. You can't take them for granted. You can't just assume they'll always be there for you. If you don't take care of them, if you don't show them that you're there for them in the hard times, well, then one day they might not be there to stick up for you. That's the mistake I made, and now I'm no good to anyone.

.

**CARTMAN**

Mr. Wahlberg, no, please listen to me. Maybe it's not all over. Maybe we don't need him.

.

**WAHLBERG**

What are you talking about? Of course I need him.

.

**CARTMAN**

No, listen. You're not the only one to be rich and famous. These other successful people, they can't all have had enchanted talking penises. I mean, Justin Bieber, there is no WAY he has a penis, let alone a magic one.

.

**WAHLBERG**

That's a good point.

.

**CARTMAN**

And the undeniable truth of Hollywood is that dozens of careers and Academy Award winning movies have been made on the backs of the Vietnamese. Maybe you don't need Magic Johnson.

.

**WAHLBERG**

You think?

.

**CARTMAN**

Absolutely, Mr. Wahlberg. Little Vietnam is just a few blocks away. We can be there in a matter of minutes. We can lure a Vietnamese person away from the fold, and force them to grant you a wish.

.

**WAHLBERG**

I dunno, that sounds extreme. I tried that twice already, and it got me all sorts of bad press.

.

**CARTMAN**

Mr. Wahlberg, your troubles aren't going to get any better by doing nothing. If you want to get everyone to recognize your genius, you have to be willing to do what's necessary.

.

**WAHLBERG**

All — all right. I'll do it.

.

**CARTMAN**

Good. Get ready, Mr. Wahlberg. We're about to embark on a journey that will re-ignite your career, reclaim your good name, and win back your dick!

.

END SCENE.

.

.

Commercial Break

.

.

CUT TO SCENE 8

.

INT. TALENT AGENT'S OFFICE

.

Johnson is meeting with his AGENT and two PROMOTERS. Johnson is wearing an FCC-compliant hoodie sweatshirt.

.

**AGENT**

I'm telling you, this guy is one hot commodity! You definitely want to be on board! Just look at him! The women love him and the guys all envy him! Everyone wants to get their hands on him, he's the whole package!

.

**PROMOTER 1**

Well, what can he do?

.

**AGENT**

What do you mean, what can he do? He can just be who he is! Men everywhere will look up to him for his straightforward honesty! He has the guts to be in public the kind of guy that they all know they are at heart! I mean, just look at how he lets it all hang out!

.

**PROMOTER 1**

Well, I see what you mean, but is that enough? Today's audiences are too sophisticated to be captivated by someone just for the way they look.

.

**PROMOTER 2**

Yeah, they insist that their celebrities have something to offer in terms of talent, accomplishment, and artistic vision.

.

**AGENT**

What exactly do you think they're looking for?

.

**PROMOTER 1**

Well, for instance, can he play basketball?

.

**AGENT**

Can he play basketball? You better believe it! Why, he's tall enough to be a power forward! Well, I mean, not right now, but with a little encouragement —

.

Agent gets up from desk, takes a bottle of lotion from drawer, and is about to pump some of it into his hand as he walks over to Johnson.

.

**JOHNSON**

No, no, no. I'm not interested in playing basketball. I'm more than just some long, gorgeous slab of meat. I've got ideas!

.

**PROMOTER 2**

You do?

.

**JOHNSON**

Damn straight. I've got a whole stand-up comedy routine worked out.

.

**PROMOTER 1**

Stand-up?

.

**JOHNSON**

It's what I do best. If you book me, put me up on stage, and let me spread what I've got out on an audience, you won't be disappointed. Trust me, I will leave my mark on them.

.

**PROMOTER 1**

You sound awfully sure of yourself.

.

**JOHNSON**

Well, like he said, I know who I am, and I'm not ashamed to show it.

.

**PROMOTER 1**

Well, I'm convinced! You really stick out in a crowd! I'm gonna get you booked for this whole week. I can tell, not only are you gonna be big, you're just gonna get bigger and bigger! You're not like the rest of them. You're not gonna just explode and then peter out.

.

**JOHNSON**

I haven't yet, and I never will.

.

**AGENT**

Fantastic! Why, if this pans out, he could wind up hosting his own talk show!

.

**PROMOTER 2**

We could get him an hour in primetime!

.

**JOHNSON**

Well, an hour might be a little long. Maybe half an hour — mmm, or maybe a little less than that.

.

**PROMOTER 1**

Well, let's not get ahead of ourselves. You're booked for the week at the comedy club. How do you feel about that?

.

**JOHNSON**

Solid.

.

END SCENE.

.

.

.

CUT TO SCENE 9

.

EXT. CITY STREETS OF LITTLE VIETNAM - DAY

.

On the streets of Little Vietnam, Los Angeles. Cartman and Wahlberg get out of a cab. They are dressed in business suits.

.

**CARTMAN**

_(to cab driver)_

Stay here and keep the engine running. We should be back soon with the "package".

.

Cartman and Wahlberg begin walking down the street, Cartman eyeing and sizing up VIETNAMESE PEOPLE.

.

**CARTMAN**

_(quietly to Wahlberg)_

OK, we just need to find one who we can convince to get into the cab with us. Then we take off and get you your wish.

.

**WAHLBERG**

Fine. But why do I have to wear this tie?

_(tugging at necktie)_

I hate these things. Shouldn't I take my shirt off? Wouldn't that make a better impression?

.

**CARTMAN**

No! If we're going to convince one of them to get in the cab with us, we need to look respectable and trustworthy. For white people, that means wearing a tie.

.

**WAHLBERG**

Are you sure?

_(still tugging at necktie)_

I know! How about if I take my pants off? That always wins people over!

.

**CARTMAN**

_(exasperated)_

No! That's the LAST thing we need! Just keep your pants on and be ready to move. Once we snare one we're going to have to get out of here as quickly as possible.

.

**WAHLBERG**

This will be just like my movie, "Planet of the Apes", where I was a lone human who had to escape from a planet! A planet full of apes!

.

**CARTMAN**

Yeah, let's just keep that to ourselves, OK? Try to find someone who looks gullible. This isn't going to be easy. The Vietnamese are very intelligent.

.

**WAHLBERG**

_(looking around at all the buildings as they walk)_

My God, you're right! Look at this place! They've created an entire civilization! They're every bit as smart as humans! I was wrong to mistreat them.

_(pointing to people)_

They look so real! Is that a mask?

.

**CARTMAN**

_(whispering urgently)_

Keep it down, will you? You're going to scare them off!

.

**WAHLBERG**

Look, look!

_(pointing to Vietnamese women)_

They even have street-walkers! They're just as advanced as we are!

.

**CARTMAN**

_(whispering urgently)_

Cut it out! Those aren't prostitutes! They're just regular women!

.

**WAHLBERG**

Oh, you don't understand. Vietnamese prostitutes are on a whole 'nother level. One time, I had this Vietnamese prostitute, Ming Li, and she —

.

MAN IN STREET — a middle-aged white man — suddenly stops them.

.

**MAN IN STREET**

Hey, you're that kid!

.

**CARTMAN**

Excuse me?

.

**MAN IN STREET**

_(taking Cartman's hand and shaking it eagerly)_

It's such an honor to meet you, I can't believe how lucky I am to run into you!

.

**CARTMAN**

Well, thank you. I didn't realize my efforts had already been heralded so far and wide.

.

**MAN IN STREET**

Look, I know this is short notice. But, do you — well, would you be receptive to the idea of maybe going to the back seat of my car?

.

**CARTMAN**

_(puzzled)_

The back seat of your car?

.

**MAN IN STREET**

Yeah, I was thinking I could, you know, put some lotion on my foot, stick it down your pants and wiggle it around for a couple hours?

.

**CARTMAN**

_(uncomfortable)_

Um, maybe not —

.

**MAN IN STREET**

_(disappointed)_

Oh. I just thought —

.

**CARTMAN**

_(reassuring)_

No, no, I don't want to seem ungrateful. I'm absolutely interested. But, maybe later, after I've helped out my friend here?

.

**MAN IN STREET**

_(excited)_

Oh, sure! I don't mind waiting my turn!

_(gives Cartman business card)_

Call me! I'll give you $100!

.

Man in Street walks away, smiling.

.

**CARTMAN**

A hundred dollars? Wow! Kyle was right, I AM making a difference! People are really are starting to come around!

.

**WAHLBERG**

_(staring at Vietnamese people getting on a bus)_

Breathtaking! Absolutely breathtaking! These noble savages are so much closer to the Earth, so much more in touch with nature than we are!

.

**CARTMAN**

Will you just shut up? Be quiet, I'm going to see if I can separate this one from the herd.

.

Cartman approaches a VIETNAMESE MAN.

.

**CARTMAN**

Hello, sir! How are you doing today?

.

**VIETNAMESE MAN 1**

Fine, thanks.

.

**CARTMAN**

I was wondering if I you would be available for a photo shoot for Abercrombie & Fitch? One of our models dropped out at the last minute.

.

**VIETNAMESE MAN 1**

Me? Really? I've never done any modeling work.

.

**CARTMAN**

Seriously? You haven't? Well, that's not a problem, it's just a simple shoot. We're kind of strapped for time, though, so we'd need to get over there right away. We'd pay you $250 for the afternoon, of course.

.

**VIETNAMESE MAN 1**

Two-hundred and fifty dollars? Wow, that would be —

.

Wahlberg walks up and interrupts conversation.

.

**WAHLBERG**

_(wide-eyed, mouthing the words in demonstration)_

Hyoo-man.

_(points to his chest)_

Me, hyoo-man. HYOOOOOO-mahn!

.

**VIETNAMESE MAN 1**

_(apprehensive)_

Uh, is he OK?

.

**CARTMAN**

Yeah, he's just, uh, in character. He's auditioning for a movie later today.

.

**WAHLBERG**

HYOO-mahn!

.

**VIETNAMESE MAN 1**

Haven't I seen him somewhere?

.

**CARTMAN**

Uh, maybe. He's an actor, but he hasn't done any major work. Why don't we all just get in the cab real quick?

.

**VIETNAMESE MAN 1**

_(to another Vietnamese man)_

Hey, is it just me or have I seen this guy before?

.

**VIETNAMESE MAN 2**

_(shocked)_

Oh, my God, it's Mark Wahlberg!

.

A crowd of VIETNAMESE PEOPLE begins to surround them.

.

**VIETNAMESE WOMAN 1**

Sound the alarm! It's Mark Wahlberg!

.

**VIETNAMESE WOMAN 2**

He's back! It's another raid!

.

The crowd MURMURS menacingly.

.

**CARTMAN**

Abort! Abort! We've gotta get out of here!

.

Cartman and Wahlberg run back toward the cab. The cab driver is now seen to be Henry KISSINGER.

.

**CARTMAN**

Kissinger! Evac! Pronto!

.

Kissinger REVS the engine and PLOWS through the crowd, scattering everyone. Cartman and Wahlberg hop in.

.

**CARTMAN**

Good work! Now get us back to Hollywood!

.

**KISSINGER**

_(looks in rear view mirror at crowd, which is re-forming)_

Ze route back to Hollywood appears to have been cut off.

.

**CARTMAN**

_(looks back through rear window, sees crowd)_

Dammit! We're gonna have to go through Little Cambodia instead!

.

Crowd is seen through windshield forming in front of the car.

.

**CARTMAN**

Punch it, Chewie!

.

**KISSINGER**

_(Wookiee growl)_

Raaaarrrrr!

.

Kissinger hits the accelerator and the car LURCHES forward, scattering the crowd, and then disappears down the street.

.

END SCENE.

.

.

.

CUT TO SCENE 10

.

INT. COMEDY CLUB

.

At the comedy club, a spotlight is shining on an empty stage. An ANNOUNCER over the PA makes an introduction.

.

**ANNOUNCER**

_(over PA)_

And now, appearing for the first time, it's Magic Johnson!

.

An FCC-compliant Johnson walks into the spotlight, wearing puffy parachute pants and sporting a thick swoosh of hair.

.

**JOHNSON**

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! How's everybody doing tonight?

.

Audience GASPS.

.

**AUDIENCE MEMBER 1**

Look! What's that on stage?

.

**AUDIENCE MEMBER 2**

I dunno, I just see a big dick!

.

**AUDIENCE MEMBER 3**

Yeah, he's so real and in your face!

.

**AUDIENCE MEMBER 4**

He's just being himself, and he doesn't care what anyone thinks!

.

**AUDIENCE MEMBER 5**

How does he get away with it? Why can't I be more like that?

.

**JOHNSON**

Well, I'm all right now, but I was in rough shape last week, I tell ya! Ya know, it's not easy being me!

.

Audience LAUGHS.

.

**JOHNSON**

I've got an eye, but I can't see!

.

Audience LAUGHS.

.

**JOHNSON**

I've got a head, but I can't think!

.

Audience LAUGHS.

.

**JOHNSON**

My next door neighbor is an asshole!

.

Audience LAUGHS.

.

**JOHNSON**

And my best friend is a pussy!

.

Audience LAUGHS.

.

END SCENE.

.

.

.

CUT TO SCENE 11

.

EXT. STREETS OF LITTLE THAILAND - DAY

.

In the city streets of Little Thailand, Kissinger's cab SCREECHES to a halt in front of a restaurant called "Red Lantern Thai". Cartman and Wahlberg get out.

.

**CARTMAN**

God dammit! What is your major malfunction, numbnuts?! I told you to just shut up and not draw attention to yourself!

.

**WAHLBERG**

I was just trying be respectful and appreciative of their culture.

.

**CARTMAN**

_(mockingly)_

Oh, "I was just trying be respectful" — well, excuses are like assholes, Wahlberg! Everybody's got one, and they all stink!

.

**WAHLBERG**

Look, let's just go back and try again. I'll play it more low-key this time, like I did in the movie "Shooter".

.

**CARTMAN**

Oh, no, you're not going back there. We barely made it out alive the first time, they'll recognize you in a second. You're staying here in Little Thailand where it's safe. Just go in there, order something to eat, and wait for me. I'll go by myself and lure one of them back here.

.

**WAHLBERG**

OK. Can I take my pants off?

.

**CARTMAN**

No! Keep your pants on! Keep your shirt on! Don't get undressed, just sit in the damn restaurant until I get back! Jesus Christ!

.

Wahlberg enters restaurant.

.

**CARTMAN**

_(to himself)_

Of course, now that the Vietnamese are on to me, I'm going to have to come up with a disguise and a different strategy.

.

END SCENE.

.

.

.

CUT TO SCENE 12

.

INT. COMEDY CLUB

.

In the comedy club, Johnson is continuing his act.

.

**JOHNSON**

All day long I have to hang out with two nuts!

.

Audience LAUGHS.

.

**JOHNSON**

I'm filled with semen but I'm not in the Navy!

.

Audience LAUGHS.

.

**JOHNSON**

I get beaten pretty much every day!

.

Audience LAUGHS.

.

**JOHNSON**

And every time I get excited, I throw up!

.

Audience LAUGHS.

.

**JOHNSON**

Out of my eye!

.

Audience LAUGHS.

.

**JOHNSON**

Into a rubber mask they make me wear!

.

Audience LAUGHS.

.

**JOHNSON**

I tell ya, it's not easy being me! Thank you very much! Good night, folks!

.

Audience APPLAUDS wildly as Johnson leaves the stage.

.

END SCENE.

.

.

Commercial Break

.

.

CUT TO SCENE 13

.

EXT. CITY STREETS OF LITTLE VIETNAM - DAY

.

Back on the streets of Little Vietnam, Cartman — dressed in a pink tube top and skirt and wearing rouge, as in his Ming Li persona from "Cow Days" — is standing on the sidewalk.

.

**CARTMAN**

_(to Vietnamese male walking down the street)_

Herro! Herro! Suckie suckie!

.

**VIETNAMESE MAN 1**

What?

.

**CARTMAN**

Suckie suckie, ten dorrah! You boyfriend! We go back my prace Ritter Thairand. Ten dorrah!

.

**VIETNAMESE MAN 1**

_(looks around)_

Uh —

.

**CARTMAN**

Five dorrah! You boyfriend! My prace, Ritter Thairand. Suckie suckie five dorrah!

.

**VIETNAMESE MAN 1**

_(to himself)_

Whoa, five dollars? Hell, that's a pretty good de —

.

**VIETNAMESE MAN 2**

_(walking up and interrupting)_

Hold on, I've seen you before.

_(to other Vietnamese man)_

Don't you know who this is?

.

**VIETNAMESE MAN 1**

Who?

.

**VIETNAMESE MAN 2**

It's that prostitute who slept with Mark Wahlberg a while back, Ming Li!

.

**VIETNAMESE MAN 1**

Oh, yeah! You're right, it is!

.

**CARTMAN**

_(surprised, to himself)_

I am? I did?

_(getting back into character)_

Uh, no! Mark Wahlberg no boyfriend!

_(pointing to Vietnamese man 1)_

YOU boyfriend! Suckie suckie, Ritter Thairand! Three dorrah!

.

**VIETNAMESE MAN 2**

_(to Cartman)_

How could you sell out and betray your own people like that? I mean, after everything Mark Wahlberg has done to Vietnamese people!

.

**CARTMAN**

_(desperate)_

Suckie suckie! Ritter Thairand! Buck fiddy! Buck fiddy!

.

A crowd of VIETNAMESE PEOPLE forms around Cartman.

.

**VIETNAMESE MAN 1**

You know what we do with betrayers?

.

**CARTMAN**

_(dropping character)_

No, wait! I'm not her! Look!

_(he wipes of rouge)_

I'm not a prostitute, I'm a little boy!

.

**VIETNAMESE MAN 2**

Well, then, why are you dressed up as one?

.

**CARTMAN**

I got the idea from Mark Wahlber —

_(suddenly realizing he's outed himself)_

Uh —

.

**VIETNAMESE MAN 1**

Hey! It's that kid who was here earlier with Mark Wahlberg!

.

**VIETNAMESE MAN 2**

He's another harvester! He's trying to beat one of us up so he can be a movie star, just like Mark Wahlberg did!

.

**VIETNAMESE WOMAN 1**

He's right! Kim Kardashian took my toenail clippings!

.

Cut to Vietnamese man with prosthetic foot.

.

**VIETNAMESE MAN 3**

Lil Wayne chopped off one of my feet!

.

Cut to Vietnamese head in a vat on a wheelchair.

.

**VIETNAMESE WOMAN 2**

Justin Bieber cut off my head and took my body!

.

Cartman starts to run down the street.

.

**VIETNAMESE CROWD**

He's trying to get away! Get him!

.

Crowd CHASES Cartman down the street.

.

END SCENE.

.

.

.

CUT TO SCENE 14

.

INT. THAI RESTAURANT

.

Inside the Thai restaurant, Wahlberg is sitting in a booth, uncomfortable and fidgety, poking at his food.

.

**WAHLBERG**

_(tugging at tie, talking to himself)_

God, I hate this thing. Why do I have to keep wearing it? I don't like ties. I hate 'em, don't want 'em anywhere near me.

_(keeps tugging at it and getting louder)_

Always suffocating me, keeping me from being free. Ties do nothing but hang around, lazy and getting all dirty.

_(tugging even more and getting even louder)_

Damn ties are just dragging me and this whole country down! They're stupid and ugly and they all look alike! I wish all the ties would just stay in the closet where they belong and never come out!

_(takes off tie, stands up and yells at it)_

In fact, I'd like to round up ALL the ties in the world, and string THEM up by the neck and say, "How do you like THAT, you stupid tie?!"

_(holding tie in one hand, pointing at it accusitively with other hand)_

.

Wahlberg suddenly halts his rant, realizing that everyone can hear him. CUSTOMERS in restaurant stare at him, wide-eyed and mouths gaping.

.

Cut to front of Thai restaurant. Wahlberg RUSHES out the door and runs down the street, with an ANGRY of Thai people close on his heels.

.

END SCENE.

.

.

.

CUT TO SCENE 15

.

INT. TALENT AGENT'S OFFICE

.

Johnson is meeting with his Agent and the Promoters again. Johnson is wearing an FCC-compliant hoodie sweatshirt.

.

**PROMOTER 2**

Well, Magic, I'm afraid we have some bad news. This is hard for everyone.

.

**AGENT**

But especially for you.

.

**PROMOTER 1**

We can't help but notice that, in all your appearances at the club, you keep just telling that one joke.

.

**PROMOTER 2**

And while it's impressive that you've extended it to fill an entire 50-minute set, it's still just that one joke.

.

**AGENT**

And the reviews aren't good.

_(reading from computer tablet)_

"A total flop". "Completely flaccid". "Stands but doesn't deliver".

.

**JOHNSON**

But — but this is my best work!

.

**PROMOTER 2**

Sure, and it was fine the first couple of times, but it's become predictable.

.

**AGENT**

It looks like you're a one trick pony, good for just one thing.

.

**PROMOTER 1**

You see, when all you have is that one joke and an in-your-face attitude, it's not funny. It's hurting people. And, at a certain point, hurting people stops being financially rewarding entertainment.

.

**JOHNSON**

At what point?

.

**AGENT**

Box office gross under $50 million, I'd say.

.

**PROMOTER 2**

You can't just keep hitting people over the head with a giant meat stick. Even the female demographic gets tired of that sort of thing eventually. They wan't something to think about. Observations about relationships, or politics, or flatulence.

.

**JOHNSON**

But — but give me another chance! Maybe I could make a comeback. Well, not right away, I need a little time to recover —

.

**PROMOTER 1**

The thing is that the female demographic is ready NOW. They've got a HUGE demand, and we need to fill that hole RIGHT AWAY.

.

**PROMOTER 2**

Yeah, and if you're not up for it — and, let's face it, you're clearly not —

.

**PROMOTER 1**

We — well, we just need to move on and find someone else.

.

**PROMOTER 2**

Unless you can change your act and broaden your appeal.

.

**AGENT**

Yeah, think of an idea.

.

**JOHNSON**

_(bewildered)_

I — I can't. I've got a head, but — but I can't think.

.

**PROMOTER 1**

Well, then we can't be in business with you. Do you see the situation we're in?

.

**JOHNSON**

No. I — I've got an eye, but I can't see.

.

**PROMOTER 1**

Well, then I guess it's over. We'll cancel your run at the club.

.

**JOHNSON**

OK, well, how much money did I make?

.

**AGENT**

You? Nothing. Per the contract you signed, I get all the money.

.

**JOHNSON**

What?! You're giving me the shaft? What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to make a living?

.

**PROMOTER 1**

Well, you could work with us as promoters.

.

**PROMOTER 2**

Yeah, you'd be perfect. What do you think?

.

**JOHNSON**

I think you guys are nuts.

_(pointing to Agent)_

And you're an asshole.

.

END SCENE.

.

.

.

CUT TO SCENE 16

.

EXT. CITY PARK CLEARING - DAY

.

In the clearing of a park near an almost jungle-like forest, a mob of VIETNAMESE PEOPLE chases Cartman, surrounding him.

.

**CARTMAN**

_(picks up stick lying on ground)_

Everyone just back off! Just let me go, and I'll never come back here to try harvesting your body parts in exchange for wishes! I promise!

.

**VIETNAMESE MAN 1**

Oh, please, you think we're falling for that?

.

**VIETNAMESE MAN 2**

You'll just be back like the others! We're gonna make an example out of you, and send a message to everyone!

.

**VIETNAMESE WOMAN 1**

We're not noble savages, we're not magic Negroes, we don't exist simply to support the careers of white celebrities!

.

**VIETNAMESE MAN 1**

Yeah, we're tired of you white people thinking that, since we're different and exotic, we must be some kind of supernatural resource for you to make use of!

.

**VIETNAMESE MAN 2**

The only reason Saigon seems like some mystical destination to you is because it's different. If a Vietnamese person wanted to go to a strange, mysterious world of the occult, they'd go to Boise.

.

**VIETNAMESE WOMAN 1**

Boise? Really?

.

**VIETNAMESE MAN 2**

Well, maybe not Boise.

.

**VIETNAMESE WOMAN 1**

Maybe Miami. Or Rancho Cucamonga.

.

**VIETNAMESE MAN 2**

Or Anaheim! Yeah, Disneyland!

.

**VIETNAMESE MAN 1**

Disneyland? Fuck, man, this is better than Disneyland!

.

**CARTMAN**

You're wrong! It's basic science! Tons of Oscar-winning movies have been made by beating up Vietnamese people! It's not fair! You can't bogart all the magic! You have to share it!

.

**VIETNAMESE MAN 2**

Oh my God, that's nonsense! The idea that you could become a famous movie star by knocking out one of our eyes is as dumb as the idea that one of us could become a famous movie star by knocking out the eye of Mark Wahlberg!

.

**VIETNAMESE WOMAN 1**

Yeah, or by knocking out the eye of some dumbass, douchebag white kid!

.

**VIETNAMESE MAN 1**

Yeah, it would be —

_(pauses, uncertain)_

stupid.

_(pauses, more uncertain)_

Wouldn't it?

.

**VIETNAMESE MAN 2**

Maybe —

.

**VIETNAMESE WOMAN 1**

_(pause)_

Um, I want to be a movie star.

.

**VIETNAMESE MAN 1**

So do I!

.

**VIETNAMESE MAN 2**

Well, you assholes are gonna have to get in line behind me, 'cos I'm gonna be one first!

.

As they close in on Cartman, a VOICE is heard in the distance.

.

**MAN IN STREET**

_(from a distance)_

There he is!

.

Man in Street arrives, at the head of a group of middle-aged, DUMPY WHITE MEN.

.

**MAN IN STREET**

What do you people think you're doing with him? He clearly said I was next in line, and I told them

_(gesturing to dumpy white followers)_

that they could get in line behind me!

.

**OLD WHITE GUY 1**

We've all been waiting very patiently. We're wearing sandals, we brought lotion, and a bucket to collect his poop!

_(holds up bucket)_

.

**OLD WHITE GUY 2**

You think you can just cut in front of the rest of us?

.

**VIETNAMESE MAN 1**

What the hell are you talking about?

.

**OLD WHITE GUY 3**

He's ours and you can't have him!

.

**VIETNAMESE MAN 2**

No, we get him first, we want to be movie stars!

.

**OLD WHITE GUY 4**

We're not just gonna stand by and let you go first!

.

**VIETNAMESE MAN 1**

Well, then you better get out the peanut butter, 'cos it's ON, crackers!

.

The dumpy white men and the Vietnamese mob begin to BRAWL. Cartman uses the fighting as an opportunity to escape into the jungle.

.

END SCENE.

.

.

.

CUT TO SCENE 17

.

INT. WAHLBERG'S HOTEL ROOM

.

Wahlberg is hiding behind a chair in his hotel room. There is a KNOCK at the door.

.

**WAHLBERG**

_(moving near the door, but not opening it)_

I — I'm not in here! You — you must have the wrong room! I love Thai people!

.

**JOHNSON**

_(heard from the other side of the door)_

It's not the Thai mob, Mark. You lost them. It's me, Magic.

.

**WAHLBERG**

_(opening the door)_

Magic! You're back! What happened?

.

Johnson is wearing a barrel and an old newspaper, all FCC-compliant.

.

**JOHNSON**

_(entering the room, stooped and defeated)_

I — I tried to make a go of it myself, but I blew it. I blew it! Nobody believed in me.

.

**WAHLBERG**

Oh, no.

.

**JOHNSON**

Do you believe in me, Mark? Do you believe — in Magic?

.

**WAHLBERG**

Of course I do! I blew it, too! I spent all this time thinking I could further my career by beating minorities, when I should have been beating you!

.

**JOHNSON**

_(emotional)_

Oh, Mark! Marky Mark! You can't get far in this crazy world when all you are is a big dick. People demand more than that. I guess they even DESERVE more than that.

.

**WAHLBERG**

_(also emotional)_

I know! Oh God, don't I know!

.

**JOHNSON**

While you were spending all your time beating minorities, I was spending all my time hanging around with two nuts and an asshole, until I realized that I'm just a blind fool without a thought in his head, who never should have left his best friend. I'm so sorry!

.

**WAHLBERG**

_(sobbing)_

Oh, Magic, I love you! I mean, not in a gay way — I don't deserve to get crucified or anything — but I do love you! And love means never having to say you're sorry, and getting to do all sorts of bigoted crap without ever making up for it. So don't apologize. We belong together. You — you complete me.

.

**JOHNSON**

I do. I do complete you.

.

Wahlberg picks Johnson up and STUFFS him down his pants. Johnson reattaches with a POP sound.

.

**WAHLBERG**

_(his hand still down his pants, frighteningly triumphant)_

Now my arm is complete!

.

As the camera focuses in on an intense-looking Wahlberg — his hand still down his pants — a CHOIR begins to sing a SONG in the fashion of "Sweeney Todd".

.

**CHOIR**

_(singing)_

Attend the tale of Marky Mark

Owed his career to his nether part

He couldn't get it up one day

The comedy club had it taken away

Poor Marky, poor Marky Mark

.

**JOHNSON**

_(slightly muffled, interrupting)_

We're staying out of the music business, Mark!

.

**WAHLBERG**

OK, you're right. We must find Eric and tell him we're back together!

.

Wahlberg-Johnson leave the hotel room.

.

END SCENE.

.

.

.

CUT TO SCENE 18

.

EXT. CITY PARK JUNGLE - DUSK

.

Cartman — still carrying a stick — RUNS frantically down a path. Hearing people CHASING him, he jumps into a bush for cover. Three Vietnamese people rush down the path just after Cartman disappears. They stop near the bush, BARKING commands in Vietnamese. Cartman is seen peering out fearfully from the bottom of the bush, looking at the Vietnamese. One of the Vietnamese is about to start poking in the bush when a fourth Vietnamese person arrives, BARKS further commands in Vietnamese, and all four leave.

.

**CARTMAN**

_(crawling out from the bush)_

Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! I've got to get out of here! Got to get off the path! Stay off the path, follow the river down to the coast!

.

There is RUSTLING in another bush as someone approaches.

.

**CARTMAN**

Aaaah! Die, you motherfuckers! Die!

_(swinging his stick at the figure)_

.

The figure — revealed to be Wahlberg — collapses on the ground in front of Cartman, clutching his bloody face.

.

**WAHLBERG**

Aargh! My eye!

.

**CARTMAN**

_(horrified)_

Oh my God! What have I done?! I knocked out Mark Wahlberg's eye!

_(suddenly smiling)_

I'm going to be a movie star! AWESOME!

.

Camera focuses on a headshot of a grinning Cartman. He looks from side to side, then PUNCHES Wahlberg several times.

.

**CARTMAN**

_(gleeful)_

A DOUBLE movie star! DOUBLE AWESOME!

.

END SCENE.

.

.

.

CUT TO SCENE 19

.

INT. ENGLISH STUDY

.

The credits ROLL, but are soon interrupted with a cut to a formal English study where Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny are seated, wearing suits and ties and solemnly facing the camera.

.

**STAN**

_(clearly reading from cue-card)_

Ladies and gentlemen of the audience. We want to apologize for tonight's show. You see, there is a darker side to each of us that wants to believe the worst about people, particularly those with whom we disagree or whose success we envy.

.

**KYLE**

_(reading from cue-card)_

A side that wants to believe that Mark Wahlberg is a bigoted, no-talent douchebag who cheats on his wife with prostitutes, and who may only have one testicle.

.

**CARTMAN**

_(sincere)_

A side that wants to believe he has an enchanted talking penis named Magic Johnson who is largely responsible for his achievements in the entertainment industry. Tonight, we took advantage of that darker side in all of us, for which we are profoundly sorry.

.

**KENNY**

_(unintelligible, accompanied by obscene explanatory hand gestures apparently invoking masturbation and a bunny rabbit)_

Mf hm n fm n hm fn!

.

**STAN**

Yeah, that's right!

.

**KYLE**

Good point, Kenny!

.

**CARTMAN**

Why, a disclaimer like that should be more than sufficient to shield us from any legal ramifications that might be threatened by Mr. Wahlberg's attorneys!

.

**KENNY**

_(muffled)_

It sure is!

.

**KYLE**

Good night, everyone!

.

**STAN**

Take it away, Les.

.

Credits ROLL.

.

END SCENE.

.

FINI.


End file.
